Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking