Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Pringles
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.