Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea