If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
You Might Also Like
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.