[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Did a trash talking tree write this?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
when revenge coincides with naptime
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Not my job 😂
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.