I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
We like the way Dwight thinks
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.