To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
You Might Also Like
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work