Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
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*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*