(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
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I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?