Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
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Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Des Moines Police having a normal one
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!