[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
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Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.