DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
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“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Confused owl: What?!
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
i hope my email finds you on fire
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait