why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.