A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
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Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My circle of trust is a meatball
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work