fixed it
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My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My neck, my back, my…
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Oh yeah that’s it
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan