Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
😂😂😂
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!