I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
This meal prepping shit easy
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.