A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
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“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
What’s so funny?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
We’re all getting idioter.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword