*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
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it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.