DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
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i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: