Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*