“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste