Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
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I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
moms in horror movies
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets