I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?