Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.