I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything