ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]