I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
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If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Need this in my life lol
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.