[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.