My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him: