[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree