Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
mood
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types