It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Hero horse inspires millions
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here