You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
You Might Also Like
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”