HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
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Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot