I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh