They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
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Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
three things we don’t talk about
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”