Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
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My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*