6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Mad Max: Furry Road
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem