where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
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I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
want me to check your oil?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.