I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
If you know, you know
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.