One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
You Might Also Like
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.