The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
scared to check what name she chose
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.