“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there