date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
You Might Also Like
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
#Caturday
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.