*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
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People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes