I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.