*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
LMAO.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile