They’re stuck in your pants?
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
This was a bad idea all around
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold