I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
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If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
oh my gosh!!
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?